My Pig by Jessie (first grader) Draft 1 (before binoculars) I made a pink pig. His name is Ham Yorko. He rolls in the mud. One day he ate a lot of food. He rolled down the hill. He couldn’t walk so he didn’t try to get up. The next morning I got up to feed my pig. I didn’t see him. Then I went to look for him. I couldn’t find him so I went home. When I got home, there he was, and he never ate a lot of food again.

My Pig by Jessie Draft 3 (after the binoculars I made a pig out of garbage. His body was a milk carton. His ears were those tiny Styrofoam "peanuts" the pack glass in. I made his tail out of string. I wrapped him in pink paper to make him be a pink pig. His name is Ham Yorko. He rolls in the mud on the shady side of the house. One day he ate a lot of food. His food was on the edge of the hill. He spilled a little water. He slipped and started rolling down the hill. He spilled a little water. He slipped and started rolling down the hill. He got hurt a little. His leg got a cut. It hit a rock while he was rolling down. He rolled down the hill into the woods at the bottom of the hill, and landed on his back out of breath. When he caught his breath, he tried to get up again because he was too fat. So then he just stayed there for the night. The next morning I got up and went outside to feed my pig on the edge of the hill where I have a bowl for his food. I didn’t see him. I look around first on the other side of the house. I don’t see him. Then I go looking in the wood. I see a pine tree. On the edge of the pine tree I see my pigs leg sticking out. He’s on the other side of the pine tree. He’s surprised to see me. He just looked at me, kind of glad. And then I helped him get up. I carried him home. He was heavy. I was tired going up that hill. I let him go and stopped for a minute to take a rest. When we got to the top of the hill, he ate all his breakfast. I was happy he ate all his breakfast. He was of happy to be back home. Then he rolled in the mud again. Excerpted from the Revisers Toolbox, Discover Writing Press, 1998 (If you'd like to learn more about the Reviser's Toolbox, click HERE

 3-8

Turning the Knob

When I was in school I thought details were just extra words to add in a story to make it better. I thought detail was decoration or wallpaper, syrupy adjectives that stuck to nouns, adverbs that propped up flabby verbs ( He walked slowly instead of he slithered. The gleaming sun shone instead of the sun scorched me like a hot iron.)

Details are not wallpaper; they are walls. When I describe a room I don’t describe it; I build it. I create it.

Think of a pair of binoculars. You look through them at first and they are blurry. Here’s a blurry sentence. " I walked into the McDonalds and there were people everywhere." You’ve been there before. All McDonalds are the same right? Wrong. Now take out your binoculars and turn that little knob. You turn the knob by asking questions. Questions that focus your own binoculars on all your senses? Here I’ll show you.

What did they look like? (eyes)

What were they wearing? (eyes)

What were they doing? (eyes ears)

What did it smell like? (nose)

What was the air like? (touch)

What was in your mouth? (taste)

You don’t need to ask these questions out loud, but you can. You can even pair up with a partner and turn the knob on each other’s binoculars. Or, you can just sit there and imagine your binoculars focusing. Then write your way past the blurry room and see, smell, hear, touch, taste the details.

The workmen leaned on the stainless steel counters, bellies bursting out of stained tee shirts. An old man in the corner held an aluminum cane in one hand and a rolled up newspaper in the other. He swatted at flies as the workers scurried behind the counters, stuffing bags with greasy burgers, rushing to the beeping fryolaters to scoop the golden greasy potato sticks, slinging steaming robot food into cardboard trays and paper bags. The smell of sizzling fat hung in the air and I could taste swallow and digest that hamburger before the young girl could say,

"Have a nice day."

Excerpted from the Revisers Toolbox, Discover Writing Press, 1998
(If you'd like to learn more about the Reviser's Toolbox, click HERE

Living in the Specific

Read the following blurry sentences, pick one or two and make them come alive with specific details. Try working with a partner and asking each other questions to turn the knob on your binoculars. Make a list and star your favorite details to share with your classmates. If you don’t like any of the sentences below make up one of your own.

I have a dragon.

Ms. Jones had a bizarre way of punishing her students.

It was a more awesome planet for kids than earth.

Americans care more about freedom than safety.

He/she was a disgusting eater.

Neil was getting the feeling all night that Elizabeth might not be interested in a second date.

When you have the math curse you see math problems everywhere.

Excerpted from the Revisers Toolbox, Discover Writing Press, 1998
(If you'd like to learn more about the Reviser's Toolbox, click HERE

9-12

Revising Point of View

The following passage was from a 1950’s Home Economics textbook. It was trying to objectively state a point of view. Try revising it to fit a more modern point of view. Notice how shifting point of view helps us to see new details.

How to Be A Good wife

1)Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome need.

2) Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3) Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc.. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too!

4) Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands too (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5) Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6) Some don'ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

7) Listen to him: You may have dozens of things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

8) Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other pleasant entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax.

9) The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body and spirit.

Excerpted from the Revisers Toolbox, Discover Writing Press, 1998
(If you'd like to learn more about the Reviser's Toolbox, click HERE

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